Wish List

I recently began following the blog Four of a Kind, With Our Queen of Hearts in Heaven.  This is a blog written by a mother of two who previously lost a daughter after just a few hours of life.  I do not know how relevant the entire blog will be for me, but who am I to conceal something that may be helpful in the healing process for someone else?!  The part of the blog that I found the most touching was the "wish list" she posted.  I have edited it to be about a sister\friend, instead of a daughter, but the sentiment it still the same.  I hope that you'll benefit from this like I have, and I hope that those of you who are outsiders benefit from it too, in your relationships with those of us who are experiencing this first hand.  Use it as a guideline of how we need you here to be in our lives to help us through this life changing process we call grieving.

WISH LIST FOR BEREAVED SISTER
(Some people attribute this to having come from the Compassionate Friends organization and others to a woman named Jenny Coffey who is listed on Pregnancy.org as being the author.)

I wish my sister hadn't died. I wish I had her back.

I wish you wouldn't be afraid to speak my sister's name. She lived and was very important to me. I need to hear that she was important to you also.

If I cry and get emotional when you talk about my sister I wish you knew that it isn't because you have hurt me. Her death is the cause of my tears.

You have talked about my sister, and you have allowed me to share my grief. I thank you for both.

I wish you wouldn't "kill" my sister again by removing her pictures or other remembrances from your home.

Being a bereaved sibling is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn't shy away from me. I need you now more than ever.  I need diversions, so I do want to hear about you; but, I also want you to hear about me.

I might be sad and I might cry, but I wish you would let me talk about my sister, my favorite topic of the day.

I know you think of and pray for me often. I also know that my sister's death pains you, too.

I wish you would let me know those things through a phone call, a card, note, or a real big hug.

I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be over in a short period of time. I wish you could understand that my grief will never be over.

I will suffer the death of my sister until the day I die. Grief is a life long process.

I am working very hard in my recovery, but I wish you could understand that I will never fully recover.

I will always miss my sister, and I will always grieve that she is dead.

I wish you wouldn't expect me "not to think about it" or to "be happy." Neither will happen for a very long time, so don't frustrate yourself, or me for that matter.

I don't want to have a "pity party", but I do wish you would let me grieve. I must hurt before I can heal.

I wish you understood how my life has shattered. I know it is miserable for you to be around me when I'm feeling miserable. Please be as patient with me as I am with you.

When I say "I'm doing okay", I wish you could understand that I don't "feel" okay and that I struggle daily.

I wish you knew that all of the grief reactions I'm having are very normal.

Depression, anger, hopelessness and overwhelming sadness are all to be expected. So please excuse me when I'm quiet and withdrawn or irritable and cranky.

Your advice to "take one day at a time" is excellent advice. However, a day is too much and too fast for me right now. I wish you could understand that I'm doing my best to handle an hour at a time.

Please excuse me if I seem rude, it is certainly not my intent. Sometimes the world around me goes too fast and I need to get off. When I walk away, I wish you would let me find a quiet place to spend time alone.

I wish you understood that grief changes people. When my sister died, a  part of me died with her. I am not the same person I was before my sister died, and I will never be that person again.

I wish very much that you could understand my loss and grief, my silence and my tears, my void and my pain. BUT...I pray daily that you will never understand.

I honestly have found relief in finding this list.  I think that it is helpful for me to hear that others have felt this way too, and felt it enough to write down the hard parts.  I think that it is extremely accurate about how I am feeling, and the support that I need constantly.  

Share this with any and all you know who may be hurting, or helping someone who is hurting because of a tragic loss such as ours <3